The past couple of summers have been disastrous. Last summer, Jordan was diagnosed with his sleep disorder, and he slept a good portion of the day. This summer, we're battling some other demons. He still sleeps until I wake him, I can't even remember the last time he woke up on his own to start his day. He has meltdowns on a daily basis, multiple times. He is so quick to anger, that sometimes I have no idea what he is angry about. And, because he and I spend every waking moment together, I'd like to say I'm pretty in tune to his moods, emotions, feelings, thoughts, and needs. But there are times that I just throw my hands up in the air, and wonder "what the heck just happened there?" There are also the rare moments that make me forget about all of the fits, tantrums, and meltdowns...
His doctor increased his mood stabilizer, and I cannot tell a lie. I was hoping for a miracle. Didn't happen. I know, it hasn't been long, but I have seen no change at all. We'll see her again in a couple of weeks, and I have no idea what our next step will be. I think he needs something new, something major. I'm heartbroken to constantly see him so miserable, I can't begin to imagine how he is feeling. I'm at a loss, and that's not a position I like to be in. Ever...
Brett is finishing up the last day of his extended school year program. To call him excited would be an understatement. He really doesn't like school. I can't blame him, after everything he has been through. But his main problem is leaving me. He doesn't like to do it, and sometimes flat out refuses. It has become such a problem, that our behavior specialist is writing a behavior plan to teach him how to deal. He will be 15 years old next month, and rather than pulling away, he is attaching himself to me even more. Between him and Jordan, I actually have to schedule myself time away from the house.
I'm taking Brett on his vacation next week. We're going to California to visit his Aunt Ladies and our 'family'. He has submitted his "to do" list, and I am his chaperon. He is a great traveler, and loves flying. It's getting him on and off the plane that causes grief. His anxiety soars through the roof, having to wait for people struggling with their bags, trying to fit them into the overhead compartment (when most of them clearly won't fit). Yeah, yeah, yeah...who doesn't get annoyed? Most of us have a filter that prevents us from saying what we are thinking. Brett doesn't have that filter. He will say what he is thinking, regardless of who is listening or their feelings. That is part of him, and it keeps up honest. Admittedly, I am jealous of him. I wish I had the guts to turn off my filter. It should be more socially acceptable to speak your mind. As long as you aren't an asshole about it...
I've been making more of an effort to take care of me. What?!?!? That's right. I started exercising, am trying to read more, and am getting out of the house, both alone and with friends. The best friends ever, I might add. You know who you are. I'm trying to accept myself for who I am. I have crazy, nappy, frizzy hair, and after almost 40 years, I'm learning what to do with it. Or I'm trying to, anyway. I'm accepting that I'm not a size 6 anymore and probably never will be again. I actually admitted to a couple friends what size I wear. That is quite a step for me! I'm learning to not care about what people say. Or what they don't say. I have let my walls down and let people in, which is ridiculously difficult for me. If you have chosen to leave, so be it. I will no longer dwell on that, and will not longer give it more thought than it deserves. I found a fitting quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson..."what you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say".
I've made some changes to this blog. I have a love/hate relationship with technology. I love it. I don't really know what I'm doing, so very often I get so angry I want to throw something. Case in point, trying to back up my ipad and my notes disappeared. Not a big deal, but in those notes was a list of Brett-isms that I've been keeping for 5 years. I'm sure there's a way to retrieve it, but my tech support is in CA. Fortunately, I'll see her next week. Anyway, I've added the options to follow my blog in different ways, either through google + or by email. I think. That was my intention, whether I actually did it, I suppose I'll find out. Fingers crossed...
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