Jordan has been back to his doctor, and after my report of his terrible mood and constant anger, she put his med dosage back at the previous level. She ordered new blood work to be done this Friday, without taking the Zoloft so she can see the (hopeful) difference in the blood levels. If his mood doesn't improve by Friday, I am to call her and she'll increase his mood stabilizer. Yes, I'm already planning on making that call.
His sleep test seemed to go fine. We put him to bed around 10, and the tech woke us up at 6:30 am. I say "us" because I had to stay with him, and we shared the room. So, yes, they were watching me sleep, too. And yes, I slept with my entire self buried underneath the sheet I was given. Calling it creepy doesn't even begin to cover it. I still cringe. Meanwhile, since he had 2 consecutive nights with less than adequate sleep, I decided to let him sleep in on Saturday. After 14 and 1/2 hours of sleep, I had to wake him. And in case this was just due to being sleep deprived for a couple of days, I repeated said experiment on Sunday, Monday and today. Each of these days, he slept at least 12 hours, and I had to wake him each day. I'm pretty sure the results of the sleep test will confirm what I've been thinking, and what I may have just proved. I said I sucked at math. Sleep and moods? I'm a freaking expert. Well, it went fine, except for this one incident of stink eye...I'm okay with that.
I continue to sob quietly every night, all alone, hiding everything from the world. I'm not sure how much more of this I can bear to watch. Every day, I feel him pulling further and further away from me, despite me swallowing him up in my snake like grasp. My mind spins like a tornado, touching down on random thoughts, but its never clear enough to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do. And you know what? I got nothing.
That's not entirely true. I've got people. I've got...
K.S. who recognizes when I need a night out, and then treats me to dinner. And who gets it. No matter what I say, or feel, she gets it. Too well.
F.H. and K.B. who are always there. No matter what.
S.C.L. who sent me such an amazing HAND WRITTEN letter that meant so much to me, I carry it in my purse and read it every chance I get.
J.N. and A.N. who are always there, with an open offer.
K.K. for being here (literally) when I've needed her, even if I have to force her to take my money!
In the past couple of weeks, you all have given me reasons to smile, and maybe even cry. But I promise, they were happy tears. So, here, in front of everybody (or the 7 people that read this)...thank you. More than I can even say...thank you.
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