Well, we got the results of Jordan's sleep study. Yeah, it really didn't tell me anything. He had 5 episodes of apnea. The entire night. Only one was obstructive. But that wasn't what we were testing for, we were looking for how much sleep he was actually getting. According to them, he fell within the normal range. He does have to have another test done next month, because they didn't get any data of him sleeping on his back. Huh. He was hooked up to monitors and was being video taped during the test. Someone was watching those monitors and the TV screens. Maybe they could have realized that the first time. The nurse practitioner that gave us the results and ordered the second test said "maybe you could stay up and make sure he sleeps on his back"...sure, no problem. And then I'll drive us home. From Cleveland. It's not as if I'm living in a perpetual state of exhaustion. Perhaps since I'm at a medical facility I can get that coffee intravenously.
In the meantime, Jordan has been sleeping approximately 12 hours per night. He never wakes on his own. His moods and behaviors are continuing to make a rapid decline. It's been bad enough that I actually contemplated taking to the hospital and admitting him for a mental health evaluation, because his mood swings are ridiculous. Within a one hour time span, his mood can cycle up to 10 times. And this will go on from the time he gets up, until the point where I can't take it any more, and I put him to bed. Though, because of his sleep disorder, I can't put him to bed early, so I deal with this for 12 straight hours. He is never happy. In fact, he's quite miserable. Always. And truthfully, he makes those around him miserable as well. I'm at the end of my rope. There are days that I just don't want to be with him, but I don't have any other choice. We don't have respite, we have no funding, I pay out of pocket for someone to stay with him. I'm afraid to leave him with anyone. He's so unpredictable, I'm scared to find out what he is capable of...I don't know what to do anymore. And right now, I'm feeling very alone.
I did convince his psychiatrist to increase his mood stabilizer. And if in a couple weeks I'm still not seeing any improvement, I'm not sure what will happen. I'm sure I'll have more gray hairs, a few more migraines, and that perpetual stomach ache that has been here daily for months...yep. I'm sure its not going anywhere.
Again, poor Brett is hanging in there. Although the last 2 weeks at therapy, he literally blew up at Liz. I think he's internalizing a lot of his emotions about everything that's going on at home. Weird, I wonder where he gets that?? He has been effectively realizing when he needs to go to his safe place, and only once did I have to send him there because I noticed Jordan was escalating. He is practicing his breathing techniques, though I do wish he would apply them when they are actually necessary!
I happened to notice he wasn't sleeping well. He was waking up 3-4 times a night, and then rising very early to begin his day. He was asking for naps daily, and then sleeping around 3 hours. After a couple weeks of this, I googled. One of the side effects of his anxiety medication is insomnia. Freaking fantastic.
1. I finally have him at a level where he can function
2. I now have 2 kids that have sleep issues?
Really?!?!?
I called his psychiatrist, explained what was going on, so now he also takes melatonin at night. I will say, I noticed a change the first night. He still woke up at 6:30, but he slept through the night. I'm sure the lack of sleep contributed to his meltdowns at therapy, but I'm equally sure that he needs to work on controlling his temper. Again, wonder where he got that?!
Through all this, I have been trying to maintain some level of sanity. I don't think I've been very successful, though. Most days I have secret thoughts of running away. Wondering what my life would be like if my boys weren't they way they are. What kind of freedom I would have, rather that being chained to the house or a kid 24-7. There are days that I wish my life was different. Not necessarily better, but different. It probably sounds like I'm whining. I am, I admit it. I'm jealous of those of you who can pick up and go, and not have to worry about who will watch the boys, or if I have to take them along, which one of them will have the atrocious behaviors that cause everyone to stare. Because people do stare. And they don't even try to be sly about it. And they roll their eyes because I can't control my kid(s). I try to ignore it, but it hurts. I hurt all the time. I can actually feel that pain in my heart, and it spreads throughout my insides like a burning sensation. So many people have told me "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". Oh yeah? That's a crock. I stopped believing in him a long time ago.
So...just keep swimming, right? Too bad I don't know how. I need someone to throw me a life preserver, but there's no one there...
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