The time has come. Jordan is graduating high school. Yes, I know he was withdrawn from his program in December. This is such a monumental occasion for us. You have no idea. Really. The program he was attending neglected to include him in their private ceremony. And trying to get him included brought up a lot of unresolved feelings that we, as parents, were having. It reminded us of the many reasons that we pulled him from the program in the first place. And we realized, we weren't doing this for Jordan. We were doing it for us. No question about that...but what parent doesn't want to see their child don that cap, gown, and tassel...walk down the aisle...hear their name called...and see them shine in that one moment while they get that piece of paper that screams "I did it!".
But, we decided not to participate. For him. Why should we put him in such a painful situation, with all the people who made him so very uncomfortable in the first place? After all, it is about him. Lots of tears were shed. Lots. And after taking days to actually decide, I got a phone call from the assistant principal of our home school districts high school. The same man whom I dealt with when withdrawing him from school. He wanted to let me know that he would be happy to include Jordan in the schools graduation ceremony. With ALL the other graduates. No special ceremony. I get to see my son walk down the aisle, in his cap, gown, and tassel. I get to hear his name called, see him climb the stairs to the stage, and get that diploma. He might not understand what it all means, but I do. He did it!
Seventeen years ago, I never thought I'd be where I am today. Honestly, I don't think I ever thought that far ahead. But I certainly didn't expect this. Children are their parents best creation. We send them off to school as young ones, with many tears. We watch them grow, mature, reach milestones, make friends, have girlfriends or boyfriends, lean to drive, go off to college, get better jobs, get married, maybe even have babies of their own. Or we don't. I have an amazing young man, who hasn't done most of those things. He is a 20 year old man with his brain functioning at the level of a toddler. He will graduate high school with his peers, but he won't go on to college. He won't get a job. He has become someone who needs 24 hour care. Seven days a week. 365 days a year. Where I go, he goes. Where he goes, I go. What I do, he does. What he does, I do. And that is my life. From now on. It has taken a while for that to sink in, and I have been struggling with so much anger and depression because of it. I have so many thoughts and unresolved feelings that I can't even begin to process or deal with right now. I love him so much it hurts. Like a knife, twisting in my heart. I am doing everything I possibly can to make his life happy. But sometimes, I can't even stand to be in the same room with him. We are the same. We spend every waking minute together. And I know there are times that he wishes I weren't here. We will always love each other. There is no question about that...but there will be many, many days that we don't like each other. Many. And all I can tell myself is, tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is another day. And hope. There's always hope.
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