Disappointment...she's a bitch.

Disappointment is something we are all familiar with, though some of us have been dealt far more than a far share. I am a firm believer in the mantra "You play the hand that you are dealt". Life happens. Some people can fall into a pile of pooh and come out smelling like a rose. Others fall into a pile of roses and come out smelling like pooh, and bleeding profusely from the damn thorns. Most of us are somewhere in between. That's just the way it goes. If your life sucks that bad, do something about it. Make some changes. Ask for help. See a doctor. Suck it up. Just do something. But by all means, quit bitching about it. Whining is not flattering. But if your life is all sunshine and rainbows, keep it to yourself. Seriously. I don't want to hear about it. And by all means, keep it out of the stinking Christmas cards. Because nothing makes you feel worse than a lovely letter telling you how fan-freaking-tastic everyone else is doing, when you are sinking faster than the Titanic.

As I get older, I'm realizing that disappointment is inevitable. Nothing is ever perfect, no matter how much effort you put in. That's a ridiculous pipe dream. I am disappointed in myself, often feeling that I'm failing as a mother and a wife. I'm disappointed in my kids behaviors, and that no matter how hard I try we are still fighting to get through each day. I'm disappointed in humanity, all of it. There is so much hatred. And I'm tired of being let down, the ultimate disappointment.  I'm reminded that the only person you can truly count on is yourself. I'm reminded why I don't like to ask for help...Why it's easier to bear all the burden and weight myself...Why I don't like to socialize...why I just don't like people.  I don't need the added stress, pain or grief.

I will be the first to admit that I was dealt a crappy hand, but there's not much I can do about it. I can whine, complain, and feel sorry for myself...but what good will that do?  I'll still have 2 kids with a plethora of disabilities and disorders. I will continue to suffer from my own disorders. Every day will be one struggle after another. I will always need to medicate myself and the boys so we can get through each and every day. Yes, it sucks. It sucks a lot. If I could change any of it, I would do it. In a minute. But alas, I cannot.  I can make changes to alleviate some of the problems- by withdrawing Jordan from school; I can search to the ends of the earth for doctors that can and/or will help us; I can try different behavior plans until I find one that gives us success; I can make sure we all take our medications. I might not have been dealt four of a kind, or even a straight. But with a little bit of effort, we ended up with a full house. Yep. I'll take it.