Two years ago, I had no life outside this house. Nothing. And I didn't care. You see, I have secrets I've been keeping from all of you. Even my friends (who have made such a huge change in my life, and I can't thank you enough). I have a severe anxiety disorder. I have mental health diagnoses. I've kept it a secret because society thinks its alright to make jokes about people that suffer from them. It's not. But I'm tired of hiding. Yes, I have to take meds every day. Lots of them. If I forget, my body reminds me. Do I like feeling this way? Of course not. Do I have a choice. Nope. It's the life I was dealt, and I have to suck it up and deal with it. I've been in a low cycle for a very long time. Months and months. I learned to fake happy a long time ago. I put on my fake smile. I leave the house. But I hate it. Most days I don't know how my husband puts up with me. I'm so thankful that he does. I wouldn't be where I am without him.
About a year or two ago, a wise man convinced me to come and try the fitness group he leads. I was about 50 pounds (at least) overweight, and I hated exercising. I stepped so far outside my comfort zone and showed up one Tuesday. It was hard, and I was so out of shape. But I survived the whole hour. And I went back. And I'm still going. I lost that extra 50 pounds and felt really good. Then my brain decided that it was enough happiness for me. I slumped into a severe depression that I couldn't climb out of, no matter what I did. I put on 25 of those 50 pounds. I started hating myself again. My psychiatrist put me on a new med that was supposed to shorten my depressive episodes. After three days on this medication, I couldn't function. Literally. I couldn't walk in a straight line. I would run into walls. I didn't get off of the couch. My brain was so foggy, I barely made it through the day. I decided that I'd rather deal with the depression that feel that way. And eventually I started to feel better. I'm still not "me" yet, but I hope to get there soon. These girls, my lady loves, have made such a difference in my life. They aren't all in this photo, but they know who they are. I want to thank them. You all have no idea what you mean to me, and I love you all.
The boys have both been doing fantastic. Brett went to his senior prom with a beautiful young woman. When he came home that night, I asked him how it was. He replied "It was fantastic", so G, I want to thank you for making his night magical. I love you like a daughter I never had, and I always will.
Jordan likes to come to my workouts with me. Sometimes he listens. Sometimes he tries to throw up. Sometimes he scares the crap out of me. Like the night he conquered the giant hill at Shades beach. I told him to stay and do the smaller hill. He basically said "screw you, Mom". And up he went. I guess he thought I needed a reminder to step off and let him do his thing. Sometimes I forget how amazing they are, and this was a periodic wake up call.
The first week of May was Childhood depression awareness week. Someone that I love very dearly is suffering. I'm crying as I write this, because I know how she feels, and I wish that I could take away all her pain. I just want her to know that I am always there for her. No matter what, no matter when, no matter who. Always, my sweet, sweet girl. Always.
I spent yesterday morning running/walking with an old friend. The course was awful, but the company was great. She helped me learn a lot about myself. In all the races that I have done, I haven't been happy with my results once. Not one single time. My entire life, I have felt like a failure. I didn't have any support when I was young, and I have unreal expectations for myself because of this. I've only been running for 18 months. I know I'm not going to win any races, or even place in my age category. But somehow, I need to get out of my brain. My brain always quits before my body. My brain is my worst enemy. Somehow, I need to learn to overcome. I can walk out my front door and run for 13 miles, no problem. I can head out to the trails and run/hike for 20 miles. No problem. I sign up for a race, and my brain says "hell no". Yesterday, I very nearly came in last. When the results were posted, I was embarrassed, and I felt like I failed. I failed myself and my friends that were running with me. I know I am capable. I need to retrain my brain, because I am not a failure. I can do this. I need to learn to love myself and to be proud of myself and have faith in myself.
To those who have been with me through this past year, you probably had no idea how much you were helping me. So, thank you. Thank you so much.
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