Jordan's psychiatrist and I have been communicating weekly about his meds, his behavior, his tics, his aggression...all so I can keep him home and not in a psychiatric facility. Sadly, while increasing his Seroquel he started developing new tics and his anger and aggression actually got worse. He gave himself a bloody nose in the midst of a kick ass meltdown. I actually had to restrain him in order to get the bleeding to stop. He thrashes his head and body around so severely, blood was flying everywhere. After 5 weeks, his Doc decided that the Seroquel isn't his magic pill and decreased him form 600 mg to 200 mg. Holy shit. He went ape shit crazy for 4 days straight. We couldn't even look at him without causing his blood to boil. New tics developed, his head slapping got harder and faster, and he started going after me. I didn't think the day would ever come. He is 195 pounds of anger, tension, frustration all balled up, ready to explode. Sadly, in order to guide him to a safe place where he can melt down, I'm always in his line of fire. I don't care. The bruises are healing. I'd rather it be me than him.
We had our monthly face to face appointment today, and Doc is stumped. She consulted with another psychiatrist, and they came up with another med to try. A last resort, perhaps? I will gladly try anything, because our next step is a voluntary admission to Merck Psychiatric Hospital. She is preparing to call and check their bed availability. I can't believe it has come to this. My heart is broken to a million pieces, because I don't know what to do for him. I feel completely helpless. And knowing that I will be the person that puts him there, that sends him away...there aren't words to describe the pain I am feeling. I just want him back. I want him to be happy, to enjoy life again.
On a happier note, his waiver funding FINALLY came in, and his '"friend" started last week. For the record, she is F-ing awesome. She is smart, fun, very educated, tough, strong, laid back, sensitive, and she didn't run away when he went ballistic. She's a keeper. To all those people who don't have her on their team...Suck it! Ha!! She's ours now!!
When he's having a particularly good day, Jordan has been working hard to fill his bracelet orders. He is donating some to a school for their holiday shop, where the kids can buy gifts for their family. He is also filling an order all the way from California!! Susan is just freaking amazing, and we're so happy she thought of Jordan for this project. Not many people give him credit for the amazing skills he has, and I, myself was given a wake up call when he spelled "'Mom" on command.
November has sneaked up on us. I am horrible at thanking people. Emotional things make me very uncomfortable, human interaction is difficult for me. There are several people that, without them, I don't know where I'd be. So, here, in my little corner of cyber space, I thank you. Kim, Kim, Jill, Alison, Flo, Kristin, Doug, Susan, Mrs L...you have all made such an amazing impact on me. Because of you all, I feel that I can keep going...even on our worst days. I love you all...
Sheesh...enough of this touchy feely crap...American Horror Story is on. Speaking of which, my new favorite quote came from a recent episode. You can't be your best self until you find your tribe. Well, I've found my tribe...so look out bitches.
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