It seems like I've been MIA for quite some time. Since Jordan's graduation ceremony, I've been in a funk from which I could not dig myself out. It has been weeks, and I still feel miserable. The finality of this monumental occasion has hit me like a ton of bricks. Life as I have ever known it is over. Forever...and it's all uphill from here.
Lately, it seems that every time I take the boys to their respective doctors, we come home with a new diagnosis or problem. I'm not sure what else can happen, but chances are good that we'll have to deal with it. During Jordan's psych appointment last week, I finally convinced her that a change in meds might be in order. And it won't be pretty. He's been taking the same one for nearly 10 years, so weaning him off will be downright frightening. I'm crossing my fingers that we will be able to ease through this situation... who am I kidding?!? We have tried everything on a behavioral aspect to get his meltdowns and tantrums under control, with no success whatsoever. The severity has decreased, and he isn't beating himself silly as much. But the frequency has gone through the roof. Most days, he tantrums for at least half of the day. I feel like we're under house arrest, because I'm afraid to take him anywhere. Just hearing Brett speak can throw him into a meltdown. Which is completely unacceptable, as far as I'm concerned. Every day, I get more and more angry at the program he was attending, and this monster they created. Where is the boy that used to smile all day, and lean his head into yours to show affection? The boy that wanted to be in the same room with us? What did they do to him, and why can't I get him back??
Brett started counseling a few weeks ago, at the recommendation of our Behavioral Specialist. She thought it would help him improve his social skills and understand his emotions a little better. His therapist is amazing! She is local, and specializes in kids with Autism. During his first session, we did the "getting to know you" information exchange. After hearing Brett talk about school, how he felt about it, what went on, and then having me fill in the blanks, she diagnosed him with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He has been suffering severely from the year of bullying he went through, escalating up to being assaulted with a mallet. Because I don't care what the school called it, he was assaulted. Targeted. The boy had to cross the entire room to get to Brett. What the heck would you call it? So, he is receiving trauma counseling weekly, currently learning techniques on how to calm himself when he feels himself getting scared or anxious. Which is rather often, because when Jordan has his meltdowns, he screams. And this causes a physical response in Brett, and his body reacts, remembering past traumas. Brett now has a designated "safe place", where he can escape to when he feels the need. It is a place that no one will hurt him, or bother him, or terrify him. We chose his bedroom, as most of his best friends reside there. He is allowed to take his iPad, shut the door, and calm down, returning when he feels ready. We've had some success already, as he shouts out "AAH!! I need to go to a safe place" every time Jordan flips out. I have to give him an immense amount of credit. For everything this poor, sweet boy has been through...he is handling it like a champ.
So, now you may understand why I've been absent for so long. I can't even muster up the strength or energy to leave the house. I'm tired of watching these beautiful boys struggle every single day, for every single thing. I'm tired of being their speech therapist, OT, nurse, doctor, medication manager, behavioral specialist, dentist, teacher. I'm tired of tracking and monitoring every single freaking thing! I just want to be their Mom. I want to be able to get through the day without having to plan out every single "what if?" I want them to get through the day without having a meltdown or tantrum. I want them to sleep. Lord, how I want them to sleep...Most of all, I want them to be happy. And I can say, with all honesty, neither of them are. And that absolutely breaks my heart. And I will do anything, ANYTHING to fix that. I will get them back.
There's a quote that says "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results", or something like that. It has been linked to many different people, so I'm not sure whom to give credit. I will say, that is a complete crock. Doing something over and over and over, expecting different results...that's perseverance. Not insanity. Every day might bring us the same struggles, but every day we will try to get through them. Some days, we'll do it better than others. Some days, you just have to cry. But we will pick ourselves up. Brush ourselves off. And we will try again. And maybe one day, something will change. I hope...
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