Pity, party of one...

Since I was last here, I have fallen into a pit. A deep dark pit that I can't seem to pull myself out of...
At night, when I try to sleep my lungs seize up, my heart starts palpitating, my legs start to twitch and I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. It appears that my stress has started to physically manifest itself. Again. It seems like nothing I do is good enough. Though that could be my own fault. I was apparently born with the incessant need to please everyone. Unfortunately, my life isn't all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns.  It's more like black clouds, rainstorms and dementors. But as a wise mandrill once said...You must learn to see past all that. So I'm putting on my big girl panties (who am I kidding- all my panties are big. They have to cover my big butt.) and pulling out the metaphorical glitter. Look out, little Mary Sunshine.

The boys started their yearly soccer program last night. I was freaking out. They have both been playing for years, Jordan since the program started. Though with the behaviors they have both been exhibiting...good grief. Brett was happy to see Danielle, his coach from last year. And she was equally happy to see him. It was nice not to have to explain all his idiosyncrasies again. Though it made her a little sad to notice he had grown taller than her! Jordan was also getting a return coach, from a couple years ago. A nice guy named Eric, who is a big goofball. Jordan loves him. He was unable to be there last night due to an exam, so Jordan had a sub. Her name was Emily, and she was quiet, soft spoken, mature, and didn't back down when I explained to her everything she would need to know. And then I found out she is still in high school. Yep, 3 years younger than Jordan. So, of course I panicked. He probably outweighed her by 50 pounds. I was sweating it out. Literally. What's that saying? Expect the worst, but hope for the best? Yeah. They killed it last night. Brett walked around that gym like he owned the place. Jordan shot baskets, and actually enjoyed himself. And I caught him smiling. Not once. At least 3 times. But don't tell him know I noticed...

Brett's medication increase is making a noticeable difference in his behavior. Well, I should hope so. It was increased by a ridiculous amount. But its working, he's doing so much better, and his well being is whats important. he doesn't complain about taking the pills either- 2 pills twice a day. Could he actually realize they are making him feel better? I also instituted a new behavior plan at home. He is working on the cash-in system, and has a list of rules hanging in the kitchen. There is a happy jar which contains 5 Popsicle sticks. There is a sad jar, which is empty. When a rule is broken, one stick moves from the happy jar to the sad jar. As long as he has 1 stick left at cash-in time, he gets to chose any type of technology he wants. The computer, the ipad, his ipod, or my phone. All things he has not been able to use since coming home from school.  I amazed myself with how quickly he picked up on things, and with how well its working.

Jordan, oh Jordan. How proud can I even be? He has been joining us in the living room in the afternoons and evenings, because we are still trying to desensitize him to certain things that are tantrum inducing. I can happily say that he has not had a single SIB (self injurious behavior) in 2 days! He typically has about 5 episodes daily. I caught him giving Brett that smirking smile while we were all  hanging out after school. And just a few minutes ago, he was standing behind me, reading his favorite book, making his happy cooing sounds. I had to just stop and stare. My heart hurts with pride, and there are no words that explain how much I love him. He continues to amaze me every day. So, to all you nay-sayers that didn't agree with my decision to withdraw him from school? You can go ahead and suck it.

So, despite the fact that I still feel like I'm stuck in that dark place, I continue to bust my humps to make sure everyone is happy, even if I'm not.  And guess what? They kind of are happy...I feel like a freaking rock star. Just last week, I wasn't sure if we were going to get anywhere. I felt like I was beating my head against a brick wall. But we are. We're getting somewhere. I don't know where, but we're taking steps forward. I don't know what our destination is, but I'll know it when we get there. And who knows. Maybe it will be filled with sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. Yeah. I'm not going to hold my breath.