Its been another crazy week at the old homestead...despite my valiant attempts to stay away from sick people I believe its time to wave the white flag. I've lost that battle. It doesn't help that my body is in a constant state of sleep deprivation, either. I am tired, dizzy, my head is in a literal fog, and my ears are screaming. Now I know why babies cry so incredibly loud over ear infections. Yeesh. I don't even know what day it is...the germs have invaded and my body is under attack.
When I get sick, crazy things happen to me. My OCD and anxiety go out of control. I've been in the midst of a panic attack that started yesterday. I can't sit still, my body is actually twitching. I have picked all my fingers until they have open sores and are bleeding. It feels like there are ants or bugs crawling all over me, from my head to my toes. Scratching and itching doesn't help. I just scratch until my skin bleeds. I'm having heart palpitations and cannot take a deep breath. It's as if something is literally compressing my lungs, so I can't get any air. Unfortunately, my medication isn't helping this time. But life has no problem adding things for me to freak out about.
We have nearly survived the long weekend, but it wasn't easy. I told my husband yesterday that if Jordan hit the double digit number of tantrums in one day, I was taking him somewhere and we were going to have a no hold barred cage match. Jordan and I were so pissed off at each other, that by the end of the day I think we would've both been game. I would've got my butt kicked, but he would've felt a lot better at the end. His extreme anger continues to be a problem. The med increase hasn't helped, and I think we are headed for another diagnosis. Mood? Personality? Who knows...its a guessing game at this point, since he is non-verbal and doesn't have the mental capacity to answer the questions that would be asked of him. We have to start somewhere, though. I have noticed some new tics that have reared their ugly head. So far, they are only around when he is in the tantrum phase. I wonder how many tics he has to have or how bad they have to be before we explore the medication route? This aspect is very new to me, as we've been told for years that he was "stimmimg", but our new doctor cleared up that error! We'll just have to cross that bridge when we get to it. Lord help me if there are any creepy trolls living under it.
Brett survived and entire day with no privileges. No technology. Nothing. He had to entertain himself playing with toys and books. As annoying as these days can be, I kind of love them because he has so much going on in his head. He has an imagination that we rarely see. He forgets nothing, and will act out entire movies with his toys. He has spent the past couple of days not-so- subtly letting me know how much he would love Disneyland, and reminding me that I didn't take him to California to see his Aunt Ladies last year. And I'm not to forget that he is still searching for Prairie Dawn, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter, Janice Muppet, and Roger Rabbit toys. Just to name a few. Prairie Dawn is living in my closet right now, just waiting for the right time to meet her new owner. Unfortunately Brett's rotten attitude is keeping her a secret.
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate holidays? Not one in particular, just all of them. I suppose some have more specific reasons though. But Valentine's day? I love my husband and children every single day. I don't need a holiday to prove it. And I know they love me. They just show it in different ways. My husband is my best friend. I love him more than I can express, and I know that I need to learn how to do that. He tells me that I'm beautiful when I look like a slob and am ready to pull my hair out. He thinks I'm beautiful, even though I'm a bit larger than when we got married. That's love. I couldn't do any of this without him. Jordan, when he looks at me with that tilt of his head and smiles with his eyes. That's love. It's pure. Brett, if he wasn't related to me could be considered a stalker. But that constant need for me? That's love. So yes. We love each other. Every stinking day. We might not always LIKE each other, but tomorrow is always another day. Yeah. Let's go with that...
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