Hemingway once said "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed". I suppose that makes me a professional. It has taken me five months to get here. Since my last writing, I haven't had the strength or the heart to visit this place. Every time I tried, my heart broke a little more. I cried a few more tears. I felt a lot more guilt. I was reminded of Jordan's experience while hospitalized. I was reminded of the terrible treatment he received there. I was reminded that his 18 day stay accomplished nothing. And I was reminded that I was the person who put him there. The past five months haven't been easy on any of us. Jordan is still struggling with rage. His tics continue to develop, to wax and wane, to increase in severity. It is exhausting; physically, mentally and emotionally, to spend every day with him. Some days I lock myself in the bathroom and sob because I feel that I have continued to fail him. And in failing him, I am failing Brett...I don't have the patience to deal with him and his quirkiness and incessant talking. All the things that make him 'Brett'...So, that wound that keeps hurting, that scab that keeps ripping open? This is the first step to healing. Sitting down at this keyboard and bleeding.
The boys have a new man in their lives. I say that in the most non-creepy, least uncomfortable way imaginable. They see him twice a week. You might say they all have a little bromance going on. Every time they see him, they are greeted with a genuine smile, a great big "Hi guys! Come on back!" Jordan has slowly been training to become his assistant and Brett is trying his hardest to fill the role of office greeter. Dr Steve (as Brett has fondly named him) is working on healing them from the inside, out. He is patient, kind, knowledgeable, and has two great ladies working with him. Becky always has a smile for the guys, always entertains Brett's daily chatter and is genuinely happy to see them both. Michelle has only known them for a few weeks, but is always happy to see them (though now that Jordan is getting a massage, I think he's happier to see her!). Dr. Steve is also trying to heal my insides. I'm positive he didn't realize the job he was taking on with that offer. He told me that one of the things I need to do in my healing process is make time for myself. Hmph. I'm not very good at that, but I'm trying. Step 2...
In August, Brett and I took our annual trip to California to visit my sister and sister in law. Years ago, it used to be my vacation, my yearly break from reality. But ever since their wedding, when all 4 of us trekked out west...Brett has hijacked my plans. The trips got more expensive and less relaxing. Brett is on red alert for the entire seven days. Thank goodness for cocktails and drunken luncheons. My sister and I weren't close growing up. She is eight years older than I am. But now.. We finish each others sentences, speak in song lyrics, and are so similar its scary. She is my rock. The person who dropped everything to fly here when I had meningitis for the second time. The one who put her life on hold when Jordan was in the hospital, so Brett could have some sense of normalcy while Doug and I went back and forth to said hospital every other night (a six to seven hour excursion). I don't know what I'd do without her. Three years ago, we met another reason for our adventure. For privacy reasons, I'll call them the 'neighbors'...but they are so much more. They are family to my sister and her wife. Family and support that they don't have from us, since we live thousands of miles away. I've seen them in person, lets see, four times? Is it crazy to feel such a connection with someone after this? Momma L (which will be her secret code name) is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She is a wife, a mother to three beautiful babies, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, and a friend. And she does all those things with such finesse that it makes ME want to be a better wife, mother...you get the picture. She is my inspiration. She is the reason that I'm here right now, pouring this all out to you. Thank you, Momma L. You are step 3. I love you all like family.
So, as I wipe my eyes and take some deep cleansing breaths, I'll stop here. But I want you to know...I had some kick ass pictures to include. Pictures to help tell my story, to show you what an amazing man Dr. Steve is, to show you the excitement on Brett's face when he is on his vacation, to show you the sparkle that is returning to Jordan's eyes. My computer had other plans. I'm not smart enough to figure it out, but maybe Tech Support can help me next time she visits. That is my sister in law's secret code name...insert the photo of her in her Wonder Woman hoodie. Oh yes, I have proof. Love you, peanut.
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