The last time I checked in, we were preparing to check Jordan in...to a psychiatric unit. We started the legal process to become his legal guardian, which sounds more and more ridiculous every time I say it, and I have done some serious soul searching.
Even though the hospital I took him to originally couldn't do anything to help him, they actually did, albeit inadvertently. The doctor seemed to throw us a "hail Mary pass" and prescribed him Zyprexa Zydis, which is an anti psychotic medication that orally disintegrates. He told me, "as long as you can get the pill into his mouth, it will work". I was given instructions to give it to him when he started to have another severe meltdown. Okay, every meltdown is severe, but I digress. I checked in with Jordan's doctor the next morning, and she said "that's actually a good idea. But let's have him take it daily, and discontinue his Seroquel." Now, the Doc at the hospital said that this med would knock him out for around 10 hours, and we should rarely need to give him a second dose on the same day. Well, here's the problem with that idea...Jordan's body doesn't react typically to medications. So this drug didn't even make him drowsy. Don't get me wrong, that is fantastic. I certainly didn't want him becoming a zombie! But I knew there would certainly be days that he needed a second dose. Fortunately, his doctor agreed, and wrote the prescription accordingly. He can have a second dose, on an as needed basis. I am so happy to say he has done nearly a complete turnaround. He still has what I call "break-through rage" where he just completely over reacts to a stressor, and sometimes there is no stressor...he just explodes with anger and frustration. But we can go an entire day without seeing one. I do try to avoid situations that I know will be extremely difficult for him, but now we are, again, able to push him a little more. I will never expect the world to revolve around my kids or their disabilities. That's not how life works. I will make necessary adaptations, but everyone needs to learn to adjust to things. That's always how we've done things, we've always treated our kids like anybody else. And quite frankly, I think that's a major reason that they are as successful as they are today.
Over the past month, Jordan has developed a strong bond with his waiver person. I can't call her his "staff" because she is now part of our family. I watch him smile at her, lean his head in towards her while they are working at the table, I see him laughing (sometimes AT her!), and enjoying life again. I could not imagine a better, more qualified person to fill this spot in his life. She pushes him, is sensitive to his needs, and doesn't put up with any crap! We love her!! I've actually started calling her "his Kim", because he is rather protective of her, and will get angry if Brett starts talking with her on his time! Doug and I have actually had 2 dates this month! For the past 15 years, we were lucky if we got one a year!!
Not only has Jordan had a great month, but so has Brett! We finally got him included in some classes again at school, and has been extremely successful. He's in an English class and holiday choir currently, and is preparing for his Holiday concert next week. He needed special clothes for the concert, and to see the look of excitement on his face while shopping nearly brought tears to my eyes. It is absolutely amazing to see him be proud of himself again, and I've really missed it. He is dealing with his anxiety/fear so much better now. He hasn't had to go to his "safe place" in weeks. When Jordan starts a meltdown, Brett will announce "I'm just going to ignore him". He has even started telling him to be quiet when he screams...I'm loving the sibling rivalry! Go Brett!!
We've also had one of our cats diagnosed with a mood disorder (not even kidding). She had a mini-breakdown and started spraying urine and blood on our furniture and beds. Yay. So, now I get to give her an anti-anxiety pill every day. Though, I am so happy she is also getting back to her old self. But the vet says that she can also have break-through episodes. Sigh, don't we all?!?!
After all this, I've spent so many hours thinking, questioning, reflecting. Its been overly shitty here, but we've made our way through. We struggled through every day, and every decision, and stuck by our kids...never giving up on them. Literally and figuratively. And I am unbelievably grateful for the handful of people who helped us do that, and know that we couldn't have done it without you. I'm sure I never said it properly, because emotions make me very uncomfortable...but I do hope you know. We love you all.
As I mentally try and process the fact that Jordan is turning 21 on Saturday (GASP!), I know that I have to get myself prepared for Christmas. It is one of my least favorite times of the year, for many reasons. I do it for my kids, putting on my happy face and giving it my best effort. My poor husband has to deal with my Grinchy heart, knowing that nothing will really make it grow 3 sizes...but he sure does try his best!
So, I wish you all a Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa...whatever you celebrate...just celebrate. Always, always celebrate.
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